Want to hear how pathetic I am?

Yesterday I was listening to some great 80's love songs via Pandora, artist taping my images to my beautifully cut matt board for my show. I was thinking about my mental checklist that occurs at the end of every semester. You know how I usually have a count of how many ____'s left till the end of the semester? {I promise I'll get to the point} Here's pretty much how it went:

Photo shoots- 12
Pictures to print- 32
quizzes- 1
Finals-1
Projects-1
Portfolios to turn in-1
Things to get ready for my show- between a 0 and 1.
class days-4
days 'till graduation- 15

And it hit me literally like a semi truck that I'm really graduating.
You're probably thinking, how has it not already? Well I'm really good at mentally blocking out things that I know are looming distantly in the future that I don't want to happen. So I've been doing this hoping that May 4th would never come. It's been working rather well until yesterday....

But it is coming! And I am not sure I've ever been so sad in my entire life! Here I was at my humble 70's kitchen table having this inner battle with myself. It went almost identical to this-

Emotional self- "Wednesday is the last day I'll ever get to shoot in the USU studio!" {tears welling in my eye balls}

Tough self- "pull yourself together, Brianna!"

Emotional self- This is the 2nd to last print I'll ever matt for a gallery in college! {tears reaching the overflow point in my eyes.}

Tough self- "Don't you dare cry, Brianna!"

Emotional self- "I'm almost done with my very last end of semester portfolio I'll ever do!" {full-on crying}

aaaaand my tough self pretty much gave in to my emotional self for a good and hearty cry. And unfortunately it didn't really make me feel much better because it didn't exactly change the fact that I only have 2 weeks left.

Apparently growing up is a reality that happens whether you like it or not.

Advice to those younger than I am- take 10 years {at least} to graduate college. I wish I would have.

So that is my story of being pathetic. Instead of celebrating graduating college, and the great accomplishment it is, I cry because it's over.

I think I attribute this to my childhood of moving every few years and having to say goodbye to the places and people I loved. Every time it was hard. And I knew every time it happened that there'd be people I'd never see again and places I'd never go back to.

I know the same is true for Logan and USU. I have LOVED my experiences here. I loved this school so much. I seriously am inspired and a better person because of the people I met here and I can entirely say I know who I am because of it. I grew up here. I learned more here, not just scholarly and photography related, but about life and the world and what I want out of life and what's most important to me too.

I know that when I move from this beautiful valley that there are people I'll never see again. It makes me emotional just thinking about this! I'm pretty good at keeping in touch with people, but it's not the same. It's hard to say goodbye to a place that has so much meaning and importance to me.

I know I'm 100% ready to plant myself somewhere where I'll never have to say goodbye again with someone who will always be there. I know this is likely not going to happen right away, but a girl can dream, right?

And to end on a non-somber note, ya'll are coming to my BFA exhibition tomorrow, correct? GREAT! I'll see ya there! 7-9 @ Herm's Inn.

I aspire to be a classy woman one day; meanwhile I'll wear sweat pants and heels.

Today was a pretty good day. I'm pretty blessed.
But I did end up changing from the prettiest lace pencil skirt and nylons to sweat pants and heels in a 7-eleven bathroom. I'm not even going to tell you why I did this because it sounds ridiculous and I'm going to jinx myself by explaining the whole story and then everyone will think I'm even more awkward than you probably already do. We'll just leave it at the sketchy gas station clerk whistling at me as I left the store in sweats, pearls, curly hair, nice make up, my perfect shade of lipstick, and yes, high heel stilettos. NBD

But forreals, I really want to be a classy woman one day. Like a southern belle or Mrs Bush, the past 1st lady of the country. Who is also a southern belle..... hmmm. So one day when I grow out of my awkward years {is that going to happen one day?} I'll be a classy lady, and you'll say, "my my is she a classy lady now or what?!" And there will be much rejoicing.

But the real point of this post is to REMIND  you that my senior BFA show thingy is on FRIDAY! It's at SEVEN-NINE pm at HERM'S INN in Logan. so BE there. 'Cause I'm real proud of my stuffs going in it. {not that I'm done with it....} And I hear there's going to be some good food. So come for that too. But make sure you say hi. Because I want to see you. Also, I'll try to wear something a little classier than sweats and heels. Maybe I'll up it to jeans and heels.
{mom, that was a joke.}

You need to behold your eyes on this babe. Does she not have the cutest bed head you've everrrrr seen?? I wish I could rock that look!

I have an honorary black belt in being awkward.

Hey. I just wanted to let you know that I recently received a black belt in awkwardness. It was a long time coming. I have been through most of the colors but I just realized that it's probably black now.

Sometimes I just feel like I don't even know what normal is. Lately I've been so stressed and busy and sleep deprived that my body and mind just do weird things and I'm pretty sure that it's awkward. But you know, whatever.

Example, I'm moving to provo {very mixed feelings about this} for at least the summer. But I really {no offense} don't want to live with all the 18 and 19 year olds especially. I'm graduating, and entering the realms of the awkward {naturally}, un-married, yet graduated, real adult world. Therefore, I'd like to live with and around other people who are in the same boat. My dad used to be in the high council of a BYU stake where this is the exact life position lots of people were in. So, he emailed the bishop to get the RS president's number so I can ask her if she knew if anyone was selling contracts for the summer. Ya know, because I don't know where anything is in provo, it's similar to a foreign country. So I got this girl's number and texted her this long text, because I'm not a woman of few words, about how it's not awkward to text a random person about your random problems and ask for help and such and then asked her a few questions. Well a few minutes later I get the nicest text from this number telling me I have the wrong number. And they were seriously so nice. And I thought to myself while turning a little pink in my face, "Well, luckily they don't know who I am so its not even awkward. Dodged a bullet on that one!"..... 'till I realized I'd put my first and last name in the text. So this mystery person probably Facebook stalked me to put a face with the weird texter. Sometimes I'm brilliant. So I went back and checked the number and I'd totally dislex-ified the entire thing. And I'm not even dyslexic.


Maybe I should think of it as a talent. Ya know, don't hide your talent, but practice them sort of thing. I am pretty good at it...

I have many more from the past week, but they're too embarrassing to talk about. Sometimes I think that they're just going to be the greatest bed time stories for my children one day. Every night they'll say, "mommy, mommy! tell me another one of your stories when you did awkward things!" And I'll be like, "Which one should I choose tonight?" Perfect.


But speaking of children, you should read this. It is pretty much really cute.
It's not awkward, but instead it's tender.

**I just wanted to clarify that I don't write about my awkward stories to make you think I'm more awkward, but instead to let you know that I know I'm awkward sometimes but don't choose to be, and that it's something I'm working on. Also, sometimes it's really great for inducing ab-working laughter. I mean, after it's over and all.

Also, I haven't made a new cupcake recipe in almost a month. This is a serious misfortune in both yours and my life. Maybe I'll try to work on that. But don't hold your breath. Too many end of senior year projects to do.

Happy 1st birthday Gemma!

1 year ago, my life changed forever. I'd been waiting a long time for her arrival and I got the world's best title: AUNT.

you guys. I feel I have never had a more important title. I  mean, I have the responsibility of being a person that is a good example to her throughout her life, but I also have to make sure I'm fun and her favorite.

That's a lot of pressure. So far, I've been really good at this. I mean, I taught gemma how to high five, and to drink out of a straw, and we're working on kissy faces and knuckles. Soon she'll be able to say bri-bri. I gave her both a veggie and a dessert for lunch, so obviously I'm pretty good at both. She really does love me. She's a drama queen and totally going to be a girly girl. She loves to watch me put on make up and she even helps me put on powder.

She's just a perfect little girl. And it doesn't hurt that she's the most adorable peanut ever. I learned a new type of love. I love my family, and my friends, and have even fallen in love with a man, but I never understood this type of love before. If I can love this little girl this much, I can't wait for the love I'll feel for my very own babies one day.

Gemma is a lucky baby. She has so many people that love her and is being raised in a family where she is taken care of so well and going to be taught great values to help her throughout her life.

In honor of this {now} toddler, Here are some pictures I took of her during her first year of life. Brace yourself, I take a lot of her.

I can't believe how much she has grown in 1 year! It's like she's going to kindergarten next year! 

I'm so excited to see how much she grows and changes before her second birthday. And hopefully by then I'll have a 2nd niece to spoil! *hint hint ash & nathan*

I LOVE YOU GEMMA!